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Mohammad Farooq

~ Thoughts provoker, feelings evoker

Mohammad Farooq

Category Archives: Disorders

The renaissance of reading books again

25 Wednesday Sep 2019

Posted by Mohammad Farooq in Books, Depression, Disorders, Hope, Inspiration, Motivation, Struggle

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Anxiety, Books, Challenges, Depression, Determination, History, Hope, Knowledge, Learning, Life, Motivation, Reading, Struggles

When everything around you is collapsing, hope fading away into oblivion, you feel like giving in to the feeling of capitulation and breaking apart. Since the past few months, I have written little to nothing about what I have undergone mentally, but I can vouch for the fact that during this period books have helped to resuscitate my ailments to the brink of positivity. Reading history has always been my passion, the happenings, the past and major events have always aroused my interest.

My interest in reading had waned and I became distant from books like I had cast them away and locked them up for good. As my problems with anxiety and panic disorder compounded my miserable state of affairs, I was abject, hopeless, despondent and deprecated. I had hauled myself into a dead end, a point of no return and a state of self-induced apathy that was only aggravating my misery. The self-implosion was evident, there was no scope for hope and positivity in my mind or heart. I was hell-bent upon believing that recovery was an impossibility and fallacy by the mid of June. There was no effort to counter this anomaly, I kept suffering within and refusing to give myself a breather.

Devoid of energy, like a lifeless corpse lying on the bed with severe anxiety attacks, I was unable to chart myself through this turbulent period. These are trials and tribulations so to speak, a test of our tenacity, the survival of our spirit and how we respond to it. There is no strategy, methodical approach which can work miracles in an instant and make things wonderful for us. It is a long grind, hard-earned way to recovery and restoring ourselves. In the realm of darkness, I had deliberately surrounded myself with, my unwillingness to escape and fight it was strikingly evident. There was no coping mechanism, no effort to reverse the tide of misfortune I had brought upon myself thanks to my obstinance.

Call it a stroke of luck or my good fortune, I picked up my smartphone without thinking and started searching for history books on Amazon that I could read on my Kindle. Till that point, several months had passed, probably even a year since I had divulged myself into reading a book. While browsing on Amazon, I came across a book Destiny Disrupted: A History of the World Through Islamic Eyes by Tamim Ansary on the 24th of June which piqued my interest and I got it to read on my Kindle. What I never realized then what I was about to initiate and the reverberations it would have three months down the road.

The resumption of reading history started with the usual distractions and disturbances. My focus and concentration levels initially were appalling. Previously, I had been a voracious reader with an unprecedented appetite for history and swift reading speed. Initially, I stuttered understandably since it had been an eternity since I had actually read any book so to speak. I was exasperated, frustrated by this development and my impatience knew no bounds. I have my bouts of anger which added to my failure and impeded my flow of reading. I was desperate for my old self to renew in terms of reading and seeing it bear fruition.

The first few days were tough, filled with panic and disruption as I found it difficult to get my flow going. It was exacerbating, painful to see myself labour through at a pace of a tortoise while reading. However, slowly and painstakingly the efforts started bearing fruit, my concentration and focus saw a positive turn. Just a few days ago, I was tottering and dawdling at the brink of capitulating again to my endless frustration of the hindrances I faced in restoring my flow while reading and here I was now on the mend. That day, it made me realize the value of perseverance and of continuing the journey, irrespective of what impediments lie ahead. As I prodded slowly page after page, the flow that had been absent or ebbed showed signs of crystallizing.

Finally, my pace and flow of reading fueled my engrossment in the book. Previously, I had failed to even read a few pages without being distracted and now I was steaming ahead at breathtaking speed, finishing chapter after chapter. It was unbelievable! Within a matter of three to four days, not only had I successfully rekindled my interest in reading, but I was enjoying it now. What began as a laborious exercise, became a renaissance and bane of my recovery from the depths of depravity just a week or so ago. I was able to finish the book by the end of June and move onto the next one.

My next book was about Islamic Spain and the Convivencia written by Maria Rosa Menocal named The Ornament of the World. I began the book with an eagerness to complete it as fast I could, it wasn’t a race with anyone but my resurrection as an avid reader that fueled my desire to forge ahead. I started reading the book, so engrossing it was, that I finished it within a matter of days. It seemed like I was living a dream, but I didn’t stop and kept pushing myself to consolidate the momentum I had successfully created. I had conquered my worst nightmare, overcome my anxiety and depression, books were to be the bane of my recovery and resuscitation.

Moving onto the next book, Kingdoms of Faith: A New History of Islamic Spain written by Brian A. Carlos proved to be a colossal challenge. This was the first book where my nerves and tenacity were tested to the utmost limit. I started with a bang, finishing the first few chapters in a blink of an eye before I realized that the book was detailed. As daunting a task, it was, I dithered slightly, fearful that I may not be able to finish this book. I took a pause, recalibrated my thoughts and composed myself. I decided I would give myself a break of a day and then resume the book. Much to my surprise, the strategy paid dividends and after that break, I was able to resume my reading, my unbridled focus allowed me to read for long periods with no distractions. Consequently, I successfully completed the book within a weeks’ time, my third in less than a month!

The renaissance and this remarkable journey of resuscitation continue. My book reading has only increased my vigour, passion, appetite to read more, amplify my knowledge and learning. The curiosity that has piqued my interest in history over the past decade has been a boon to me. Reading has been a calming influence, helped me reduce my stress levels and brought me much needed peace that I had sought. In these three months, I have successfully completed fourteen books and in the previous month, I have read six which include the recently released The Anarchy: The Rise and Fall of the East India Company written by William Dalrymple.

Books are the seeds of learning and knowledge. They are priceless treasures that I have realized need succour and care. Love books, value and treasure them, in them lies the power of transformation and which can unlock the door to infinite learning/knowledge.

 

 

Demons of Depression

25 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by Mohammad Farooq in Depression, Disorders, General, Health, Life, Psychological Issues

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Depression, Disclosures, Disorders, Facts, Health, Life, Mental Torture, Musings, Personality Trait, Psychological Issues

Depression is realistic, annihilating and oppressive. In a society like ours, it has mostly been considered a mentally terminal disease or something that has been linked to madness. The apparent state of denial in regards to it’s existence, is appalling to say the least. The impact of it is as devastating and bound to leave the person in a state of vulnerability as any physical injury would. The irony is external wounds can get healed with the passage of time, but the internal mental discords can cause miseries abound which are unquantifiable. It confines those suffering from it into deep pits of anarchy and delusion, where hope doesn’t tend to reside anymore. The fallacy of depression is complex and unmistakable in context of the indelible impact it leaves.

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For me, it is difficult to be describing it all and what have I got to do with all this, is a question which I intend to address now. Sometimes, admittance of an issue can help you alleviate your painful occurrences to a great extent. For me, the journey of dealing with partial depression, anxiety and panic stricken disorders has been a difficult one. The point is to share my experiences, not to gain a wave of sympathy and empathy of anyone. There are millions out there, who are far worse than me in terms of depression and other disorders mentioned above, which I am fully aware off. I have been culpable all these years, diagnosis of Rheumatoid arthritis in early 2011 led me astray to the devastation of self-ruin, negativity and persistent bouts of unfettered/unwanted anger along with rage driven incidents with family members became a provocation. I do rue my actions, no doubt but in the heat of the moment the element of self-control has never been there when I needed it. The awareness of it, had always been there and still exists. A lot has to be linked to my own failures, that have overshadowed and ensured that the process of overthinking continues unabated. The inner conflict, laced with a tinge of self-induced doubts and lack of belief has embroiled me into a state of utter confusion. Now, this is something that has defined my existence since evolving from my early childhood to my adolescence. The robustness in decision making, that is something normal for others has always remained elusive to me. The feeling of being unwanted and a state of helplessness/hopelessness always tended to besiege me, never understanding the actual reasons behind it. As I reminisce about my past now, especially the turbulent period of my school life spent from Grade 6th to A-Levels, was a mix of ending up being bullied by fellow students, my regressive and volatile tendency to over-react to certain situations courtesy being of serious nature didn’t also help my cause.

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After starting my ACCA in 2003 and before it as well, I had never been a friendly and outgoing kind of a person. I never found fancy in venturing out like boys my age did, enjoying themselves thoroughly and living the life to the fullest as it is supposed to be. I found it to be a waste of time and pointless, to say the least. This was the time, when I started getting “internalized” into a parallel existence of virtual life, courtesy of the internet and computer opening up avenues that had never been available to any of our predecessors. I took an instant liking to it, submerging quickly and disintegrating into the charms of this enchanted world as per my supposed imagination. In hindsight, one thing that I was fully aware off, were the negative connotations associated with it very early on. But, as they say addiction gets the better of you and I knowingly got subdued by the “charms” the internet offered irrespective of the fact that it was nothing but an illusion or fantasy. Slowly and steadily, the process of addiction became dangerous to the point, I spent all nights using the computer, communicating with virtual personalities spanning across the globe on mIRC, an internet relay chat service that predated MSN Messenger, AOL, ICQ etc. I was always on the lookout for downloading software/games, a favorite past-time of any youngster in the late 1990’s and early 2000’s. My friendship was with my computer only, an absence of any human relationship was indeed something very rare in my life during that period. My restlessness, a lack of concentration issues coupled with bouts of anger became more evident as time passed by, never paying any significant heed to it. Besides me going for my ACCA classes and the limited interaction I had there was my only way of remaining connected with humanity. Pessimism had always been a part of my system, irrespective of how good things may have been happening around me, I would find a flaw in always negating it and still do. Mood swings have been prevalent since my adolescence, along with persistent irritability that has plagued me since ages. This has culminated in me behaving provocatively mostly, undeniably the potency of its toxicity is undeniable on my part. The persistent leveraging of this sort of behavior, has left me in the lurch mostly, seeking solitude in distancing myself as much I can. It’s inexplicable to say the least, but the feeling of protracted helplessness in this state can be devastating for any individual who suffers from it.

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Also, the element of ranting and riling about my pain has indeed been a bane of my existence. Probably, I have indulged in too much self-governance and ridiculing simultaneously, that it has hampered my development to a point where the feeling of being redundant has become a very realistic nightmare. To the contrary, there is no doubt that I am one of those lucky people who have the benefits of a decently luxurious lifestyle and comfort, which is not affordable to the majority out there. The emotional outburst of tears on a random basis and vulnerability episodes associated with depression are something which I have never been able to understand myself. I am not qualified enough in any given regard, but my personal experiences battling partial depression, panic & anxiety driven disorders has taught me that all of us seek is to be understood and treated in a transparent manner. For at least thirteen years, I have encountered persistent issues of sleep deprivation and insomnia that has hampered my energy levels, made me lethargic and I won’t deny the use of various tranquilizers. I have never indulged in outright abuse of using sleep inducing medications, but the urge has always overcome my conscience in some way or the other. Besides, the side effects of these kind of medications over a long period of time can have due repercussions depending on how it ends up being administered. In all these episodes of partial depression, anxiety and panic disorders I have experienced, the only positive thing is my persistence in fighting it and staying alive. In all these years, the element of self-harm has never been evident, which I am glad about actually. I only appeal to those out there battling the demons of depression to remain steadfast and the ones around them NEED to understand and support at all costs.

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Image Credits: Pinterest, EverydayHealth 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Me

Mohammad Farooq

Mohammad Farooq

Busines Journalist and ex-Senior Sub-Editor at Profit by Pakistan Today. Bylines in Dawn, Livemint India, Huffington Post, Express Tribune, MIT Techreview Pakistan,IGN Pakistan, . Interested in Technology affairs, history buff and Part qualified accountant.

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A lot has been going on…

  • My Angelic Grandmother December 14, 2021
  • A man for all seasons: Shahid Jalal August 19, 2020
  • The Merchants of Death June 18, 2020
  • The renaissance of reading books again September 25, 2019
  • Privilege is abusive July 31, 2019

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